#MyWordForToday is #Balance

#MyWordForToday is #Balance

To everything in life, there must be a balance. If our lives do not come with their own problems, I daresay life would be very dull, if there are too many problems, life would be very difficult.

I am an advocate of balancing as much as possible. Yesterday was Father's Day, and it came with all the usual dramas.

One consistent thing though is that a lot of us have no middle ground when it comes to issues, particularly if we are passionate about them or if it touches us personally.

While It is true that some fathers are fathers in every sense of the word, some are purely sperm donors who have nothing to do with the upbringing of a child. Some of them i.e. in the latter group come to realize and try to make amendments, some never do. We celebrate the fathers who know what it is to be a father, we admonish the rest, for them, it should be a day of reflection.

What we certainly shouldn't do is refuse to see that all fathers aren't the same, some fathers were even made absentees by the Mothers using the child as emotional blackmail.  Balancing the narratives is very key.

Balance is also very crucial in our work-life relationships. If you work in an office, you spend at least 9 hours at work, with your colleagues.

This means that you spend more than a quarter of the day with your colleagues. Doesn't that at least make them some sort of a family?

Shouldn't you endeavour to make the environment as friendly and accommodating as you can?

You, yes you, because the only corner of the universe that you can successfully change is your corner.

Some of us are very hostile at work, we treat everyone like competition and then turn around to say "nobody likes me in my office,"..... Listen, the energy you give is the energy you get. 

Balance your work relationship, over-familiarity breeds contempt, under familiarity (for want of a better word) breeds hostility. Fix that, so that your office doesn't seem like a battleground.

Oh yes, let's talk about personality. Do you know your personality, have you examined your strengths so you can use them successfully? Have you looked at your weaknesses so you can improve those? This is called personal development, if you haven't done these, you may be doing yourself a disservice.

Understanding yourself, your fears, your biases, your strengths, your talents will equip you to deal with those of others. Remember your choices and decisions are impacting on not just you, but also on others.

Funke Adekoya SAN once said "not everything worth doing for a woman is worth doing well", I had written about this before and it caused an uproar amongst career women.

But she's only talking about balancing your career and motherhood. Traditionally women were the homemakers, not breadwinners or breadbringers so we are mostly saddled with the responsibility of taking care of the home and the children.

A lot has changed from those trad. days, but a lot remains the same. A lot of women will give up their careers to cater to the home, but a lot of men also stay at jobs they hate in order to cater to their homes. Balance!!!!

Some women will rather not be parents to my mind this is also balance. Having and nurturing children are not very easy tasks so one should not bring children into the world if you feel you cannot take up that responsibility.

In life, we will need adjustments, we will need to reflect, revisit, tweak some of our stances and decisions. We will need to find an imaginary scale to determine if we are on track or off kilter.

Although we should be kind and humane to everyone, we should balance that by not condoning disrespect and glorifying nonsense 

Balance is key 🗝

Namaste!

Bibireosefowora 💕💌

(Neither Pedigree nor Class can be bought with Money)

#MyWordForToday is #Leadership

#MyWordForToday is #Leadership

So much has been written on leadership and leadership skills. I very much doubt that there's anything I want to write about today that you haven't heard before.

But have you read leadership from my own point of view? No?  let's talk about my view of leadership.

In these dark and uncertain times, we need to understand that the styles of leadership must evolve. We must look for better ways of connecting with each other in order to create a greater community.

The cool thing about leadership is that the style is not the same for everyone.  And, your title does not make you a leader; your influence and impact on others is what does the job.

So, whether you are referred to as a leader or not, please be aware that someone somewhere is paying attention to the choices you make.  Not only are they paying attention, but some are also been led by those choices.

Like I always say,  a lot of destinies are tied to yours. Some of these destinies are unknown to you but the choices you make or making are so far-reaching that they are touching lives around the globe.

It is so profound that the life you may touch may yet be unborn. I have never met Maya Angelou, and she definitely wasn't aware of my existence, but I have learnt so much from her leadership style.

I am careful to create my style of leadership from compassion, empathy, humanity and humility.

I've also taught myself to self-lead, therefore, I will never be able to direct any of my team members to do stuff that I am unwilling or unable to do.

I have been scorned many times for my leadership style, but I have also been appreciated. I learnt not to take this scorn personally, of course, it stings to be scorned. I, however, chose to see it as a lesson and therefore took it as feedback instead of criticism.

As a leader, you would be one who is emotionally in touch with yourself. When you become emotionally intelligent, you are on your way to being called a leader.

I am not even halfway there but I am learning, adapting, and making allowances. I have always said and reiterated that there's no such thing as "bad" leadership you are either a leader or not. Periodt 😎

All those adjectives such as weak, ineffective etc are anomalous and cannot sit side-by-side with leadership. Like I earlier said, your title is not a determinant.

Being a leader does not suggest that you have it all figured out, it certainly does not mean that you know it all.

It does, however, mean that you are possessed of such self-confidence that allows you to bring others to your point of view,  but you're also humble enough to learn that which is outside of your expertise.

All too often, we see "leaders" that are not only closed up to other people's perspectives but are also prisoners of theirs. Inflexible, unyielding, belligerent to other viewpoints, unwilling to see their team members as possessing any kind of intelligence.

I worked with someone who would always tell us at meetings that "you don't think".

Belittling your team or thinking that you are higher in intelligence is an unintelligent way of leading anyone, even the children from your womb.  It is the worst kind of way to lead.

As a leader, although you project self-confidence, secure in your own strength, you want to also actively discourage groupthink or go-alongnism. You want to encourage healthy debates.

And this is why I say as a leader, you must never surround yourself with sycophants.  You must like Sara Canaday said, "purposely disrupt your own thinking, and challenge your own ideas" by surrounding yourself with people who are willing to point out your weak or blind spots to you.

I did do a post about blind spots, please find time to read. I am of the view that it is very important that as leaders, we are aware of our blind spots and we work towards eliminating those.

You cannot do this by yourself. A candle although brightens the room is unable to give itself light.

Leadership this way does not infer that you would not be assertive. What it means is that you are secure in your own strength and working on your weaknesses.

Leadership starts with YOU and ME, of course.

Would you be willing to tell me what your idea of leadership is?

Namaste

Bibireosefowora 💕💌
(Neither Pedigree nor Class can be bought with Money).

#MyWordForToday is #Tolerance

#MyWordForToday is #Tolerance. 

Do I really want to write about tolerance? No,  not really and this is why.

Tolerance is a nice-sounding word with a beautiful dictionary meaning. Whereas, it is, in fact, a little derogatory.

It is very derogatory because it does not teach value and respect. When you tolerate something, especially a person, opinion, culture or orientation, you do that perhaps out of societal expectations, upbringing, or maybe just pure human decency.

One of the synonyms for tolerance is resignation. Resigning to accepting a person because it is socially acceptable to do so.

None of us wants to be in situations where we (our opinions, feelings etc) are not valued, loved or acknowledged as human beings but merely tolerated.

We all have our prejudices, in fact, many of us suffer from confirmation bias (we actively look for experiences and evidence that back up those prejudices).

Perhaps the best example for what I am saying is Racism and its siblings (tribalism, ethnicism religious-ism; beg your pardon to coin this word).

Each race believes itself to be superior to the other, same for ethnic and religious groups. We are then taught to tolerate the other races/religion/ ethnic groups in order for peace to reign in our communities.

I really have no answers or solutions to proffer to these ills that are plaguing us.   I do not know how we came by this feeling of superiority towards others.

Perhaps if we went back in time, we could pinpoint how ethnicism and other cisms began.  Perhaps this will help us to figure out how to cure this malaise that is causing so much strife in the world today.

As a black Nigerian woman, I've had to face all of the isms at one point or other in my life so I am all too aware of the pain, first, of not being accepted, and then merely tolerated in a very badly disguised facade. There is no true respect in being tolerated.  

I, however, believe (even though I do not like it) that perhaps tolerance is the first step to take towards embracing others.

Perhaps, there is no way to fully accept/ embrace a person if you have not had a chance of meeting with them mentally and understanding that there's no real difference between us human beings.

Each human has red Blood running in our veins and our skeletons are always white.

I feel more than a little sad writing this blog because I do not think this post will make any difference to people who are committed to their prejudices.

It is tragic that these prejudices are usually formed on nothing concrete, but mainly on what they have been told, on confirmation bias and which forms the basis of their interaction with others.

What do we do when people do not fit into the boxes society has set for them? Tolerate them? Or embrace them without caveats?

Namaste 🙏🏾

Bibireosefowora 💕💌
(Neither Pedigree nor Class can be bought with Money).

#MyWordForToday is #Clarity

#MyWordForToday is #Clarity

Sometimes life throws raw eggs on our figurative windscreens, and our first natural instinct would usually be to use our wipers to clear it off.

This would be a grave mistake because using your wiper to clear off eggs from any windscreen would impair or even totally block your vision.

How does this apply to #MyWordForTheDay? Seeking clarity in areas of our lives requires that we do stuff that will not block our vision.

What is clarity? When I was about 25 or so years old,  I had a terrible breakout of acne all over my face. In fact, I had an episode that made me stay indoors for weeks. I was unable to step out of my house because of those disfiguring spots on my face.

My cousin eventually told me of Oxy10 and glycerine, and these helped me clear up the acne. I also used a clarifying lotion to smoothen it up. People who saw me afterwards marvelled at how pretty my face had become.  

This could only have happened because I had succeeded in clarifying my skin and so my beautiful face could shine forth.

Clarity,  whether of the face, the Vision or of our purposes in life is very important. We have often said one of the best things you can do for yourself is to know and understand your purpose in life.

I want to believe many of us have read "The Alchemist" by Paul Coello. One of the most profound lessons therein for me is "realizing your purpose and living it to the fullest, each day of your life".

In order to do justice to this blog post on clarity,  a talk about purpose is inevitable. Purpose,  to many people, sounds like a really terrifying concept. 😊 It doesn't have to be.

I'm going to demystify it by simply referring to it as "your message". So, purpose = your message to the World.

In the blog post, I did on personal branding, I identified one way to decipher what your message to the world is. Please check through my blog for that post.

The Bible also did say "wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure", meaning “your message” is where you spend most of your time, your interests, stuff that keeps you going, where your heart is.

I had said before that it is important to identify your message, but what is even more important is clarifying that message. This means that you have to keep evolving and honing your message until it becomes synonymous with your name.

Mother Theresa was anonymous with kind acts of charity,  Jack Ma with e-commerce, Michael Jackson with best-selling dance and music.

These folks have carefully cultivated and clarified their brands up to the point that their names come up in connection with those things I'd mentioned.

Going back to the analogy of the raw egg on the windshield, you must understand that although clarity comes by taking hold of your message and finetuning it,  how you do so is very crucial. Using your wiper is doing the right thing in a wrong way, because rather than clear your vision, the wipers will totally blind you.

Thankfully, there are many resources you can deploy to get clarity on your message. Seek for the right kind of help whilst remembering that your vision is not just about you, and so you must be very intentional about your how.

I sent a blog post of mine to a friend and asked if he thought I could publish it as a book, he responded by saying, the best way to know is to publish it. I will get the feedback that I need, and this will go a long way in helping me clarify my vision.

Having an unclarified message ( I say this because some of us have multiple messages) is akin to having many tabs open on your PC, this slows the PC down,  thereby reducing its ability to work optimally. No matter how great your message is, leaving it directionless will cripple it.

My old Boss was often wont to say " direction is more important than speed". 

In my case,  self-leadership is an intrinsic part of my message, this means that more than anything else, I value growth and everyone with a growth mindset, it is a core value for me. And I have set about clarifying my message along these lines.

If you have read my write-ups, you would see that they are all centred around "self". It is my unshaken belief that change begins from me; if I cannot change myself, how do I change the world?


What would you like you and your personal brand to be synonymous with?  Therein lies your message. Clarify it.


"Let your light shine before others ".

Namaste 🙏🏾

Bibireosefowora 💕💌
(Neither Pedigree nor Class can be bought with Money).

#MyWordForToday is #Blindspots

"No matter how smart they are, some people just don’t recognize the subtle behaviours or unconscious habits that are holding them back." Sara Canaday. 

#MyWordForToday is #Blindspots. 

About 3 weeks ago, we were on our way to the market and as we were about to turn into the shopping mall,  a bike came literally out of nowhere and we nearly hit him into the gutter. 

We were lucky that he wasn't hurt that much because it would not have mattered who was at fault, if anything had happened to him.

He (the bike man) had approached my husband who was driving from a blind spot and my husband did not see him coming at all. 

A leader may have equipped him/herself with all the skill sets required to lead but are they aware of their blind spots? As in this story I just shared above, if you have ever driven, you would have most likely encountered blind spots.  It typically happens when your side mirror is not showing you oncoming vehicles because the vehicles have moved past the vision of your side mirror.

Blind spots can create fatal accidents if one does not ensure to look specifically for them. We all have our blind spots, some people's blind spot may be cultural, professional, character-wise or even emotional. 

Some people believe that the place of a woman is in the kitchen. If you are such a boss,  this cognitive bias may disallow you from seeing the potentials of the women that you lead or that work with you. 

Blind spots if not known and addressed can be the Achilles heel of your leadership.  One way to help rid yourself of your blind spot is to surround yourself with people who although respect you,  will not hesitate to respectfully point it out to you. Also, as a leader, always ask for feedback. 

Surrounding yourself with sycophants or yes-Men has never done anyone any good.  Your Yes-Men will deceive you and escort you to the grave of your career, business, or other relationships and leave you there. 

Normalise taking criticisms as feedback, remain humble and teachable,  unlearn your toxic behaviours and lead with heart. 

Remember the story of Naaman and the Hebrew girl? 😉

Have a restful Sunday.

Namaste

Bibireosefowora 💕💌

(Neither Pedigree nor Class can be bought with Money).

#MyWordForToday is #Fragility

"Paradoxically, we achieve true wholeness only by embracing our fragility and sometimes, our brokenness." - Jalaja Bonheim

#MyWordForToday is # Fragility
I will be talking about fragility as the strength of a woman.

We, women through the ages have been considered first as a lesser human being, and later upgraded to be fully human; but only if we can be exactly like one who has always been a full human being: the male gender.😔

This is why phrases like "act like a woman think Like a Man" became a catchphrase. Because apparently, thinking like a woman is thinking like a lesser human being.

I don't know how to feel about this, for people have often said "to catch a mouse, you must think like one", ergo to be accepted in a man's world, you must think like one.  I daresay this faulty thinking is causing a lot of havoc in our world today.

Women do share a lot of things in common with men. We are human beings in every single way (it sucks that we must constantly reiterate this),  wanting to be loved, to be appreciated, to be acknowledged, and celebrated. But even in all our sameness, our natures and physiologies are still different, the way we analyse stuff is different, our leadership style is different, even our brain structure is different.

Yet women are constantly referred to as fragile. The dictionary meaning of fragile is "easily broken, shattered or damaged; delicate".

Another meaning is "lacking in substance or force; flimsy".  Imagine being referred to as "lacking in substance", simply because biology says you are the female gender but not because of your psychological makeup.

Women have had to endure quite a lot over the years, we are drawn into wars that have nothing to do with us, and we are made to bear the brunt of each of those wars. Women are brutally raped and sexually assaulted, it has become commonplace to use women as bait to secure favours.

The women referred to as been "fragile" are made to compete in a competitive male world,  and everything we have today we have had to fight for: the fight to be recognised as human beings,  to own properties,  the right to vote, the right to refuse to have children (this is a barely begun fight),  the right to work without being discriminated against, the right to carry our vaginas in peace e.t.c.

Many of us have found ourselves exhausted and anxious at all the battles to be accepted as a human being. The idea that a fragile species is being made to fight for the basic human right which is granted (without asking, to a man) is really absurd to me.

I do not agree that the idea of fragility applies at all to women,  perhaps what the framers of "weaker vessel" meant was that women are far more emotional than men, or perhaps fragility stands for strength.

If it is the former, being emotional does not rob one of the ability to be sensible, every human being is made up of emotions, in fact understanding your feelings/emotions is akin to possessing a very high level of intelligence.

If fragility refers to strength, "it does not come from physical capacity but from indomitable will"- Mahatma Gandhi.

Quiet forbearance has always been the forte of many women. We have not only had to pick up ourselves with courage, by drawing from our inner strength,  we have also had to give that courage to our wards, children and others around us, it is our vulnerability that gives us strength; this is who we are. Beautiful, Wholesome and Strong.

We have found ourselves terribly exposed by the fight to be seen and heard as equal humans, but it is in these moments that we have truly found our strength.

Vulnerability requires strength, as does fragility.

I'd leave you to ponder on these thoughts of mine with this quote, slightly edited by me :

"Woman, your fragility is also your strength" - Pina Bausch.

Bibireosefowora 💕💌
(Neither Pedigree nor Class can be bought with Money).

#MyWordForToday is #Energy

#MyWordForToday is #Energy

If you have ever met me, the first things you will probably notice is the mischievous spark in my eyes, the energy of my movements, and my boisterous nature.

My superpower has always been my ability to carry my energy with me. It seems to me that people leave theirs behind, and being in a place where everyone is staid and dull affects the atmosphere making it lack in spirit. By energy, i mean vitality and high spirits. 

I didn't always consciously carry my energy with me, it was just something that was part of me. Over time, however,  I tended to go along with the flow of atmosphere of a place, but I soon realized that this always dampened my often high spirit more than anything; and so, now I come into a conversation, into a room, into anything bearing my vivaciousness. 💃💃💃 

I had written a post about my second name being "joie-de- vivre".  Being a natural sanguine, I am able to animate just about any group of people I meet with, naturally, people who know me expect this energy every time we meet but I fall short of expectations sometimes, and when this began to happen, I started to study myself more intimately.

I discovered that I am sometimes unable to give my usual verve for myriad reasons, but because of this discovery, I am very conscious of cultivating my energy. 

I realized also that although I am sanguine, I am also an ambivert. I need time to recharge and refill my energy. I am able to be by myself for weeks without needing face to face interactions, as long as I have my books or social media. 

"What is an ambivert? An ambivert is someone who exhibits qualities of both introversion and extroversion, and can flip into either depending on their mood, context, and goals" - science of people. 

Ambiverts are sometimes referred to as " outgoing introverts" 😅 I'm not sure any part of me is an introvert though. 

You see, a lot of people think that time and money are our only limited resources, whereas our energy and what we allocate them on are truly the most limited resource.

I was listening to a podcast featuring Tyra Banks and James Altucher. She said anytime she's approached with opportunities, she takes time to evaluate them, she asks herself if they are “Fierce, Funny or Heart.” Broken down, these mean: 

Fierce: Is it aspirational or does it have a glamorous kind of spin to it?

Funny: Does it make you laugh, is it self- deprecating, is it comedic?

Heart: Does it touch your heart? Is it emotional? Does it feel like there’s some type of connection?”

She says the opportunities must have at least two of these elements. So like me, Tyra carefully chooses the stuff that she spends her time and energy on.

There was a time I spend my energy on trying to fit in in cliques or even getting some people to like me,  I no longer do this, whether I'm liked or not, I am bringing my energy, let everyone deal with that. 😎

The first step to being HAPPY with yourself is knowing and owning who you are. Spend time analysing yourself and your feelings.  Find out why a matter affect you so much?

Take time to understand your feelings towards stuff so it can help you navigate some areas of your life. And this is why you must never discountenance your intuition and feelings.

A lot of us tend to run away from some of our feelings that are not positive.  Envy, for instance, is a human emotion that many of us have experienced, at one time or the other. What is however important is what you do with it. 

If you are envious of a particular person or situation, you should find out what about it is making you envious and then deal with that. Envy like other "negative" emotions is a purely human emotion, and dealing with it is the best way to getting it out of your system.  

Like I said in my other post, we must never shy away from having uncomfortable conversations, sometimes those conversations are with ourselves.

Allocating your energy into the wrong things will drain you, make you unhappy, and might even frustrate you. In one of my blogs, I  wrote that you receive the same energy that you bring.

This is why it makes so much sense to social distance from the energy that drains you. Filter ruthlessly those whose energy makes you empty and surround yourself with the positive ones.

The funny thing about energy is that if you're not carefully curating your own energy, you will absorb that of others around you, nature, after all, abhors a vacuum.

This applies even in corporate organisations.  Human beings are the lifeblood of a company and we are emotional animals, and so, where positive Energy is low, productivity could also be low, where productivity is low, sales which is the bottom line of many businesses could also become low. 

Always bring your own positive Energy.

Namaste

Bibireosefowora 💕💌

(Neither Pedigree nor Class can be bought with Money).